Hot Wings

Hot Wings



Full Name

Chris Michaels


As written by Free Beer and Eric Zane

Hot Wings is slow. Not in the sense that he licks windows and has to live in a group home, but rather in the sense that he does everything with deliberation. He thinks about HOW he's going to do something far longer than he spends actually doing it to make sure he's going about it the right way. His problem is that in order for him to accomplish something he has to devise the perfect plan. While the normal person thinks, "I'm going to butter this bread"…Hot Wings thinks, "I need to apply butter to this wheat based food substance, and I believe that I could best accomplish that by using a metallic spreader/cutter tool to completely cover the substance in the rich, creamy, substance. This would be best accomplished by moving in a left-to-right motion. First, I must ponder the amount of butter needed to get complete, but not over-coverage, as that would be wasteful." What you just read would have taken him fifteen minutes and he no doubt would have been distracted by some minor unimportant detail along the way such as someone mispronouncing a word in a conversation he wasn't even a part of. His wife thinks this is a terrific quality…but not really, because who would? Hot Wings loves music and cars so much that the same vagina analogy used to describe Free Beer's love of sports applies, and is knowledgeable about both. In fact Hot Wings is knowledgeable about a lot of things. His problem is, because of his ability to memorize useless facts like who played Mel the cook on Alice, and who Max Grabowski is; he thinks he's smarter than everyone else. As a result, in Hot Wings' mind, he never makes mistakes and will always try to justify anything he has done. As a result, his logic is often clouded by his own ego. Try as he might, he will never see his own flaws until proof has been provided. And finally, Hot Wings is a classic under-achieving loner who must be prodded into doing things, but as you read earlier he can justify it: "I could have done a better job on that, but I really didn't want to." OR "I don't like to rush into things, but I was gonna get to it." We should probably include some good things: He's tall, so he can reach a lot of things. Hot Wings is generally prompt. He usually has money since he's so cheap. He thinks he's the best driver in the world, so we guess he's confident. And he has the biggest Adam's apple we've ever seen.

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