Eric Zane

Eric Zane



Full Name

Eric Zeitunian


As written by Free Beer and Hot Wings

Let's start with the good stuff. Zane is a loving husband and father of three adorable children. When he's around his children, it's the only time his common sense is able to overwhelm his alarming ability to be an ass. It's an understatement to say that Eric Zane is prone to over-reaction. Zane's reaction to everyday disagreements and interactions are roughly like trying to kill a fly with a nuclear bomb. His reactions to things could best be described as "knee-jerk". He doesn't think things through, as there are no consequences too great to make it worth quelling his emotional flashpoints. Also, Zane is fearless, which only adds to his desire to get attention in any way he can. Unfortunately, its this quality that makes him most likely to be fired in a blaze of glory after he told the boss that he should take a flying fuck at a rolling donut before he ever asks him to move out of the way again in the hallway. You see, Eric Zane has two forms of expression: silence and rage. So the question is, why all the pent up emotion? With a wife, three children and two dogs, he has no time to relax. The time he could use for himself is now taken up cleaning out the wrinkles in his Bull Dog's face. Zane is a paradox. He looks at Internet porn mercilessly, and will tell you about it on the way to church. He eats all the time, but is probably on the best shape of the three of us, presumably because the only thing he does more than eat is go to the bathroom to drop off Topeka Stink Pickles. He doesn't even have time to clean out his "ghetto" car, which is hopelessly filled with boogers and fingernails. Amongst his sea of anger, it's his humanity that makes him tolerable. No one we've ever met is more likely to have outrageous things happen to him and then be dumfounded as to how all these things could happen to one person. How would Eric Zane make his life and all of yours better? He'd return us all to a time when disagreements could be settled by an honest fist fight. No punching when someone's down. And winner walks away with the girl. Or, in Eric's case, pounds his pud while thinking of the girl.

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